Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What is the biggest challenge when dating a divorced man?

Divorced men can come with many different challenges, but the biggest challenge women typically face when dating these men is emotional baggage. Emotional baggage occurs when a man has not finished grieving his marriage and/or has not yet figured out why his marriage ended; a few signs include talking about his ex often, badmouthing his ex, or overindulging his children (a sign of guilt). Emotional baggage can be tricky to spot and comes in many forms, and is the biggest barrier to moving forward with a divorced man.

Is it OK to date a man who isn’t officially divorced yet?

Yes. Some dating experts will tell you to avoid divorcing men or men who haven’t been divorced a full year; however, I’ve found that when two people care for one another, they want to give the relationship a chance, regardless of the “rules.” As long as the marital relationship is broken up, each person must decide for him- or herself when to get involved with someone new. However, having said that, men who aren’t divorced yet come with many risks, and you should be very careful when dating one. Many of the potential risks with divorced men – e.g. rebounding, not being over the marriage, angry exes – are all much greater with a separated or divorcing man. In addition, some of the most painful stories I've heard over the years have come from women dating divorcing men. Thus, if you date a divorcing man, it’s important to know the risks and to have realistic expectations. 

How do you know when a separated or divorced man is “on the rebound?”

The first sign to look for is how recent his separation or divorce is – the more recent it is, the more likely he is on the rebound and looking to fill the void with a new partner. A man who is dating but has only been separated a few months, divorced or not, is mostly likely on the rebound – a few months is not long enough to come to terms with divorce. Another sign to look for is eagerness – women are often pleasantly surprised when their newly separated boyfriend seems so eager to be with her and willing to start a new relationship. While his feelings for his new girlfriend are real, they arise out of neediness – thus, he may lean on his new girlfriend emotionally, and then flee the relationship once he gets his needs met.

When it comes to dating divorced men, what is the problem you hear about most?

If I confine my answer strictly to dating (rather than living together or marriage with a divorced man), one of the most common problems women bring to me is that men talk too much about their marriages, exes, or divorces. This is a common "rookie" mistake men make during dating, even on the first date! Women can also make the "rookie" mistake of confusing this behavior with maturity or an ability to be intimate. In reality, talking too much about one's marriage or ex, especially to a potential new partner, is a strong sign that the divorced man is still grieving his loss.

You say divorced men have "baggage." But doesn't everyone have some baggage from past relationships?

Baggage is anything you bring from your past relationship into your new one. And yes, we all have some baggage from past relationships. But divorced people, on average, have more baggage than people who haven't been married. Marriage involves a greater level of emotional, financial, and legal entwinement than non-marital relationships -- as a result, splitting up can create emotional, financial, and legal baggage. In addition, marriage often produces children, and while people often cringe at the idea of calling children baggage, it isn't the children themselves that are the problem, but the challenges that come with them (e.g. if you date a divorced man with kids and their mother says bad things about you to them). Fortunately, baggage doesn't have to be a bad thing, IF it is properly managed.

Will Dating the Divorced Man help men dating divorced women?

In some ways, the principles in “Dating the Divorced Man” do apply to either sex because most divorced people carry at least some baggage in the form of exes, children, financial challenges, and emotional baggage. However, there are some important gender differences that make a book specific to men necessary: for example, men are more likely to engage in rebound relationships, so a portion of the book is designed to make women aware of the signs of a rebounding man. Divorced women, on the other hand, tend to be more reticent to get involved again. Also, if there are children from the marriage, men and women have different parenting styles and often different amounts of parenting time with children, both of which will influence their new relationships. For example, in many divorces the mother gets more parenting time with the children, giving divorced fathers more freedom to date than divorced mothers. Of course, Dating the Divorced Man can also help divorced men understand the challenges they bring to a relationship!